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Hi, my name is Kristina and I can’t stop yelling at my kids.
I am a yeller!
I try not to be. I truly do.
But honestly, my kids don’t hear me, they don’t listen. And I feel like the louder my tone the more my point will get across. I can’t seem to stop yelling at my kids.
Is that only me?
Anyone else out there?
I know I’m not the only one because there have actually been studies done on yelling and kid’s development.
On this journey to stop yelling I really wanted to look into why it is not okay to yell at our kids and what to do instead.
I am on a mission to make this possible. I’m on a mission to stop yelling at my kids.
It will not be easy. But I think if we understand the damage yelling at your kids actually does and then hold each other accountable we can do this!
Now let’s look at what the whole yelling at kids thing is all about.
Why do we yell at our kids?
Because we are tired.
No one is listening.
Trying to assert some time of authority
We are impatient
Scientific Reasons Not To Yell At Kids
“…use of harsh verbal discipline—defined as shouting, cursing, or using insults—may be just as detrimental to the long-term well-being of adolescents.”
Personally I don’t use curse words and harsh insults with my kids. But even so, just being loud can be harmful to your children. And here’s another sad thing about yelling. Even if you are kind all the other times, it’s still damaging.
“…Significantly, the researchers also found that “parental warmth”—i.e., the degree of love, emotional support, and affection between parents and adolescents—did not lessen the effects of the verbal discipline. The sense that parents are yelling at the child “out of love,” or “for their own good,” Wang said, does not mitigate the damage inflicted. Neither does the strength of the parent-child bond.”
“The researchers report that parents who wish to modify the behavior of their teenage children would be better advised to communicate with them on an equal level, explaining their worries and rationale to them. Parenting programs, say the authors of the study, are well positioned to offer parents insight into the ineffectiveness of harsh verbal discipline, and to offer alternatives.”
And livescience.com has this to say, “Harsh verbal discipline had a detrimental effect on behavior even if parents were also emotionally supportive and caring towards their teens.”
Biblical Reasons To Stop Yelling
The Bible is a great resource for all kinds of parenting troubles. It tells us that we really need to get to the heart of why we are yelling.
Think about reasons for yelling and counter that…
Are you angry?
“In your anger do not sin” – Ephesians 4:26
Are you frustrated?
“Do not be quick with your mouth,” – Ecclesiastes 5:2a
Let’s look at some more verses that talk about how we use our mouth and tongue.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29
“Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.” – James 3:5
“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” – James 3:9-10
Finally a very simple one…
“Keep your tongue from evil” – Psalm 34:13a
“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing”. – Proverbs 12:18
“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue“. – Proverbs 31:26
How can we stop yelling and what can we do instead?
Check out Education.com for a great list of things you can do instead of yelling.
Yelling is understandable. But should not be acceptable. Psy-ed.com has some great words on this topic.
“Instead, you need to learn how to accept your feelings, understand where they are coming from, and formulate a plan detailing how to take better control of them in the future.
Parents who yell are often being driven by one or more of the following emotional triggers:
– Feelings of hopelessness
– A sense of helplessness
– Feeling inadequate as a parent
Empowering parents also has great advice on what to do.
To summarise what you can do to stop yelling
-Know your triggers – what is it exactly that makes you want to yell.
-Walk away – walk away to de-escalate and take a break. Come back to the situation when you’re ready…without yelling.
-Be prepared to not yell – wake up in the morning and say a prayer and make a resolution that you will not yell at your kids.
-Be proactive with your kids – a daily schedule for the kids and visual reminders are great for kids.
This is not going to be an easy journey and it won’t happen overnight. To stop yelling at your kids is a process and a habit you must break.
You can do this mama, and I will do it with you.
Comment and let me know about your yelling journey.
You got this mama!